After my pump assessment appointment last week, another appointment was made for me to see a dietitian.
This went down like a lead balloon.
Of all the appointments I have for my diabetes, seeing a dietitian is probably the one I hate the most. I knew that the main reason for it in this circumstance was to make sure my carb counting skills were up to scratch. Nonetheless, not happy.
"Vicki, do you mind filling out this food diary over the next few days so we can have a look at it when you come in on Friday?"
I really, really don't like logging the food I eat.
It's not that I eat badly or anything. Actually, given I'm a student and on a budget, I feel I eat pretty well. I love my fruit and vegetables, takeaways are a real treat, I always take my own lunch onto campus with me. Don't get me wrong, I also like the occasional cake with my coffee at Starbucks, or snack food when my housemate and I are watching the latest episode of Bones. I just know that in that moment, it's a treat, it's not an everyday occurrence, and if my blood sugar is on the high side after eating it, I'll deal with it.
When it's written down, however, my mindset is different. I know it was a treat and I know it's not a regular thing, but when I then see it written down on paper, I feel guilty. Like I should have known better and realised that it would have an adverse affect on my blood sugar.
Consciously logging food. Not good for me. It brings past food-related issues back to the surface.
Food issues are complex enough as it is. Add diabetes to that and you've got an even more complex situation on your hands. It's something I've put a lot of effort into getting under control. I don't expect to ever be rid of them, but I'm at a point where my relationship with food is healthy.
I guess I was just reminded of how easy it is to go back down that road, something I don't want to do. The days/weeks/months/years spent controlling them, and the smallest trigger could cause a big setback.
All this from a paper booklet.
Damn you, Diary of Food!