Monday, 11 February 2013

Take II.

Vicki's Notebook take two. Why? Because I feel like I need a fresh start. 

Alcalá de Henares.
I'm halfway through my year abroad and have got myself into the worst situation. the following demons have come back to haunt me:

Insulin omission.
Binge eating.
Not eating at all. 

Not a great combination when you're diabetic. But there you have it. 

Not only have these demons come back to haunt me, but, like I've said, I'm also on my year abroad, which is why it's more important than ever that I get these under control. Because I don't want to remember my year abroad as the year the issues came back. I am happy, however, for it to be known as the year the issues came back and I got them under control properly! Even if there are setbacks along the way, which there will be.   
My best friend has just left Madrid having come to visit me this weekend. We talked things through and I did a massive cry, something I definitely needed, and here we are. A good friend once told me that I need to have a "conversation with myself" in order to clear my head, and she is right (she's always right - I hate that!) So here I am. Starting afresh. And in order to do that, I need to let go of some stuff.

Over the last two to three years, I've actually been holding onto a lot of anger when it comes to my diabetes. Well, that needs to stop now. This is something I am going to have for the rest of my life, and if I don't let go of the anger I have towards it, I am going to end up falling into the same routine time and time again, and I don't want that. I need to focus on long-term goals in order to stay on top of this as much as possible.  I'm not saying my aim here is to be perfect 24/7, because it's not, and I know that that is pretty impossible. But I need to stop falling back into this whole not taking my injections routine. It's not healthy and boy do I feel crap for it! 

But, first of all, I need to vent. And I don't know if writing here is the way to do it, but it's a start and it allows me to organise my thoughts. 

Diabetes is a bitch. It's something that I am reminded of 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I hate it. I can do everything right, and still it throws me hypos or hypers to keep me on my toes. Being female also means that time of the month throws me more curveballs. My injection sites get sore, my fingertips bruised from sugar testing and the flipping test strips get everywhere (I swear they grow legs and move about my room!) 

And that's just the physical side of it. That's actually the part I can probably handle the best. My biggest issue is the psychological side of it. Diabetes has this huge control over my emotions, and it shouldn't. Well, I shouldn't let it. But it does. Those numbers that I see of my testing kit have the power to make me cry one day to then doing a happy dance the next. It's ridiculous, but they do. That's the first thing that needs to stop. Bad days that reduce me to tears are allowed, but that daily influence those readings have over me...that's got to stop. 

As for food...well...given that I have to watch what I eat and count carbs and everything else, it's no wonder my issues with food came about. But they too need to go do one! Because being a type 1 diabetic and having issues with food really isn't the best combination!

As you can see, there's a lot of hate there. But here's the killer. I have hatred for something that has actually brought a lot of good to my life. The fucker of a health problem has actually allowed me to enter into this whole other world where I have had the priviledge of meeting so many lovely people, some of whom have become very close friends over the last three years. What am I meant to do with that?!?! Where does that leave me, other than feeling very confused about how I should feel about it. No diabetes would mean no Lizzie. No Daisy. No Alice. No Circle D. No SDUK. You see, confusing! 

But either way, I need to let it all go and get things back on track so I can start fuctioning like a normal human being once again. Because I can't go on like this. I feel awful. I look awful. It just needs to stop. I want my life back. I want to be in control again. I want to feel happier more often.

Right now, I feel very lost. It's almost like I've forgotten what to do and I feel like I need to go back to basics with everything in order to get it back. I know that it's bad that I'm not taking my injections. I know what the potential consequences are. And I know I need to get back on track. Writing this has helped (knew I referred to this as my diabetes therapy for a reason!) At the same time as writing this, I re-read some posts from my first blog from when I went through this before. It reminded me that I got through this before and I can do it again. I just need to remember that it's not gonna be a quick and easy process. I need to put the work in and I'm not gonna see results straight away. But a weekend with my best friend, chats with my friends Stateside, pouring my heart out to my DSN via email and writing this has left me in a clearer headspace and I actually feel like I am able to sort this out. I haven't worked out how I'm going to tackle this yet, but my head feels clearer, and I believe now I'm in the right headspace to sort this out. I'll figure out logistics later!

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