Looking Back At 2014.

I did something like this last year, and it was good fun scrolling back through the archives to revisit what ramblings had made it onto the blog. So I've done it again! 

January - New Year's is traditionally a time for resolutions.

February - Today marks one year of blogging.

March - Dear Diabetes, I hate you.

April - University and type one diabetes is all I've ever known.

May - Sometimes, I feel like I lead a bit of a double life. 

June - I've officially been using my insulin pump, with actual insulin, and not saline, for a week now.

July - 2:1. 

August - On Tuesday, I had my first pump clinic appointment since starting back in June.

September - I was at my local job centre today (yay for unemployment!)

October - I read a lot of diabetes blogs.

November - For me, there is so much head-spinning-ness that accompanies the three things indicated in the title of this post (indicated by the length of this ramble!)

December - "So...I also need to make you aware of something...I have type one diabetes..."

Merry Christmas!

Whoever you are, where ever you are, I wish you a very happy, and healthy, Christmas!

Source.

Back-Up.

"So, I also need to make you aware of something...I have type one diabetes. I wear an insulin pump, which is a small device that constantly gives me insulin..."

I said to my boss, rather awkwardly, yet carefully gauging his reaction.

Work Christmas party.

"Give it a couple of weeks, and I'll sit down with you and others I'm working with to go over all things diabetes that you'll need to know. Chances are you'll never need it, but there have been times in the past where I've needed help. I'd rather you know and never need the info I give as opposed to not telling you anything and then one day I do need help."

It wasn't until I went to the office Christmas party that I remembered that those conversations hadn't happened. 

So last week, I sat down with a group of colleagues I've got to know over the last few months and I went full diabetes disclosure on them. 

I showed them my insulin pump. I showed them how to check my blood sugar levels, and I told them what was "normal" medically-speaking, and then what I was comfortable with (because my personal targets are different). We spoke about highs and lows and how I treat both. 

"I know this is a lot of information to take in, and I don't want this to feel like a burden [diabetes insecurities coming in to play here]. The chance of you ever needing to react is slim, but it makes me feel safe knowing that I've had this conversation with you." I rambled on. 

I kind of felt like a child: despite being 22 years old, there I was standing in front of a group of colleagues, asking them to learn a little bit about my medical condition. Because diabetes is one of those things that's fine...until it's not.

That's what I hate about diabetes: it's never solely mine. I'm the one that wears the pump, pricks my finger to check my blood sugar level, I feel the effects of a high, the effects of a low. But if my blood sugar gets so low I can't treat it myself or so high my body just shuts down...it's not only having an effect on me, but on those around me too. That part really, really sucks. Yet it makes me feel safer when there are others in the know. It's a lose-lose situation.

Disclosure is a personal thing, and there's no right or wrong way to go about it. I just know that I feel safer, and happier, knowing that those I come into contact with on a regular basis are aware of the insulin pump on my person. Despite my best efforts, there are a lot of aspects of this condition that I can't control. But I can control who I disclose to, making them aware of what could happen, protecting myself at the same time too.  

So Over It!

That's what I am. Over it.

It's a feeling that's come over me in waves over the last couple of months. Initially, I didn't think it was burnout. I thought it was just stuff. But the stuff is still there, and emotionally I'm not feeling any better. But at the same time, I'm just over it. 

Checking my blood sugar? Over it.

Image credit: Dallas Clayton (who totally gets it!)

Counting carbs? Over it. 

Changing cannulas? Over it. 

Crap cannulas? Over it.

Sore infusion sites? Over it.

My hba1c? Over it. 

Hospital appointments? Over it. 

Chomping down glucose tablets in the middle of the night? Over it. 

Rage bolusing the hell out of a high? Over it. 

Venting to my best friend to tell her just how over it I am? Over it.

Harbouring a pancreas that doesn't do its' job? Over it.

It's Christmas, and I hate that this feeling has stuck around for as long as it has. So now I'm acknowledging it, hoping that talking (writing) about it helps begin the process that is clearing those pesky mental cobwebs from my brain. 

Lucky for me, as of Tuesday I'm on Christmas leave for a couple of weeks. I'm going to enjoy myself, but I'm also going to start honing in on different parts of my diabetes management in the hopes that I can start seeing the bigger picture clearly again. 

Because right now, all I see are a ton of little things that I'm just over. But I know I can change that.  I've done it before, so I'll do it again.

(In other news, on a day I wasn't feeling so over it, I wrote a blog post for JDRF about diabetes and the office party. Click here to have a read!)

A Blogging Break.

A bit of a disjointed post today, with ramblings separated by pictures.

1. After my last blog post, I took a break from blogging/the diabetes online community in general. I seriously underestimated just how many people read this blog. The support I received came in many shapes and sizes, from comments and emails to retweets. I was blown away, and a little (very) overwhelmed by it. It was the sheer number of them all combined that led me to take a break - it made me seriously think about what I write here and what pictures I use. However, after numerous discussions with various people, the point still stands that blogging is my diabetes therapy, and I think being part of this community helps me more than it hinders me. I am incredibly grateful for the kind words I received. I don't think I said it at the time, so I'm saying it now: THANK YOU! Since writing that post, I re-did my food diary and sent it off. My appointment with my DSN is later this month, so watch this space.   

2. A couple of weekends ago I spent the day in London hanging out with the fabulous people pictured above and below this point. The DOC is great, but spending time with these people in real life is good for my soul, whether we've been friends for a few years or only met that day.  

3. I have a new job! Well, I still work at the same place I did before, but in a different office, with different people, where I have my own desk, more responsibility and slightly better working hours (8am-4pm instead of 7am-3pm - that extra hour in the mornings is making a huge difference to my day!) So, I'm back to reworking the routine to get my basal rates right.

4. Time seems to be moving so fast at the moment. You'll notice that since I graduated from uni and started a job, the frequency of blog posts is decreasing. Blogging is my diabetes therapy and something I enjoy. Writing is slowly beginning to form a part of my job role, and not something I want to give up. Once things have settled down at work, I'm hoping I'll have more time to write. Because this blogging bubble of mine is something I'm proud of, and I'm not ready to walk away from it yet (also, see point [1]).

5. This is my first December blog post, and I've not said the obvious yet: MERRY CHRISTMAS!!