The Food Diary.

I've always avoided keeping food diaries. Always. There's a guilt that has always accompanied them, for me, so I've always dodged them, focussing my clinic appointments on other aspects of my diabetes care and not the food side of things. My blood sugars aren't exactly horrendous, so keeping my HCPs' eyes on other parts of my health, for the most part, is easy.

I had an appointment with my diabetes team last week. My hba1c wasn't where I wanted it to be, and I was told I'd put on weight. Not a lot, but, much like my hba1c, my weight is personal, and, again, it's not where I want it to be. As per usual, I kept emphasis on my ratios and basal rates, discussed my thyroid medication and my love-hate relationship with exercise.

With no mention of food or diet, I left my appointment and headed back to work before heading away on course the same evening.

It was Saturday evening, when I was sat watching X-Men with a (small) bowl of popcorn on my lap and a (large) glass of wine to my left that I wondered how I got here. I didn't feel hungry, but I was eating the popcorn anyway. And who knows where the glass of wine came from!! (Wine fairy, anyone?!)

That was when I resolved to keep a log of my food intake for a week. Not because I had to, and not because I was being told to by my health care team. But because I wanted to hone back in on my food choices and what I'm eating day to day. Because, it became very clear halfway through my movie that I had no effing idea what was happening day-to-day.

Now I'm coming to the end of my week of food logging, I remember why I don't like it. (Actually, it only took me a couple of days to remember why I don't like it!) It's not a level of accountability I enjoy or embrace, and I still feel guilty for some of my food choices. But (and I say this with SO MUCH reluctance) it's so damn useful. After just a few days, I could see that my coffee intake is shocking (and I can't even say the mug is small to make up for it), and my willpower is fine in the mornings and afternoons, whilst at work, but the moment I get home (or at weekends), I undo what has been, for the most part (let's ignore the caffeine intake) a balanced day of eating.

As insightful an exercise this has been, I'm happy to stop now. I know where the issues are, and I know what I need to do going forward. I'm glad to have made a conscious effort to realign my diabetes, brain and stomach. It's a step in the right direction to (hopefully) get my blood sugars back in check.

Diabetes Blog Week: Day 5 - Foods On...Monday?!

(Ok...so I fell a bit behind when it came to Diabetes Blog Week. But I'm determined to finish, so today I give you day 5...a few days late!)

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Taking a cue from Adam Brown's recent post, write a post documenting what you eat in a day. Feel free to add links to recommended recipes/shops/whatever. Make it an ideal day or come-as-you-are day - no judgements either way.

I was a little bit unsure about this post. I've written before about the mind-fuck that I experience when it comes to food, guilt and diabetes. I also said that I wanted to stop fearing food diaries. Okay, this isn't a food diary per se, but it's all about sharing those food-related choices. So I'm doing it. 

Breakfast consisted of these little beauties: egg frittatas, recipe courtesy of Jen. Blood sugar friendly egg bites with tomatoes and spinach in them. I mix up the veggies I put in them, but tomato and spinach is my favourite. Kale is pretty good too, actually. Three of these will do me until lunch time. 

Lunch consisted of a cheese and pickle sandwich, made with Warburton's Sandwich Thins (because bread is my food nemesis) and a cereal bar. And a coffee. Always coffee (with sugar-free caramel syrup).

And for dinner, I had a chicken kiev with sweet potato fries and salad. Sweet potato is one of my favourite things to cook with. Mash it, roast it, fry it, bake it, love it! And I had mango for pudding (because I'm absolutely obsessed with the stuff at the moment!)

To read more posts for day 5 of Diabetes Blog Week, click here.

Revisiting Food, Guilt And Diabetes.

For me, there is so much head-spinninng-ness that accompanies the three things in the title of this post (indicated by the length of this ramble!)

At my last appointment with my DSN, I was asked to (once again) keep a food diary for a week, and mail it back to her when I had. I don't often write about food and the like on this blog, but the couple of times I have, the main theme has been fairly consistent: I don't like keeping a log of the food I eat. At all.

For me, the emotional side of diabetes is a bigger problem that the actual "acts of diabetes". (And by "acts of diabetes", I mean the blood sugar testing, carb counting, bolusing insulin etc). I can test my blood sugar, but whether or not I act on the numbers my meter shows me very much depends on where my head's at. Likewise, how precise my carb counting is also depends on head-space, meaning that my insulin doses vary in precision too. 

My biggest battle is often with diabetes-related guilt, normally linked to food. (There's other guilt too, but food is the big one). So it's safe to say that keeping a food log, yet again, didn't put a smile on my face. 

My food diary arrived in the mail. I wrote the dates at the top of each page, ready to begin logging food and blood sugars and insulin doses. Day one came and went, as did day two.

Then there was day three. Oh, day three! Day three was a bad day. Work was busy and stressful, I worked through my lunch break, I drank a lot of coffee, and I grazed throughout the day, not really keeping track of the food (carb-full food too) I was eating. The same thing happened on day four.

Not that I wrote that in the food diary.

Instead, I wrote that I had a salad and a yoghurt, which is what I had taken in to work for lunch on those days. I may have even tweaked my blood sugars a teeny bit to make them look better.

At the end of the week, I skimmed through the log, put in an envelope and went to mail it back to my DSN, knowing that I'd changed quite a significant amount of information.

It was whilst at work that my colleague was telling me about her husband, who happens to have type 2 diabetes. Together, the pair of them had been attending the X-PERT course, and she was talking to me about what they'd learnt at the latest session.

Hanging out with DWED volunteer, and friend, Lucy.

"The GP that diagnosed my husband made out that he wouldn't be able to eat anything...don't eat this, it will cause your blood sugar to rise...but you can eat this as it has a minimal effect...turns out that's not the case at all...the nurse that runs the X-PERT course...she's a specialist...a DNS...no...a DSN, and she says that, yes, we do need to keep an eye on what we eat there's nothing stopping us [her use of 'we' and 'us' here made me smile] from having a treat like a cake or a chocolate bar or whatever...there we were thinking there would be all these restrictions..."

It was at some point during this conversation that I really thought about what I'd done. I don't know if it was something specific that was said, or just the subject of diabetes and food, but it kick-started something! I didn't post the fake-food diary I'd kept.

Now, I have the task of phoning my DSN and explaining to her that I can't send her the food diary I kept because I wasn't completely truthful about the food I was eating. It's so easy to type out and "confess to" here, but I know when I call her, it's not going to be as easy (think fast talking, not taking a breath "I-need-a-new-food-diary-because-that-first-one-you-sent-me-well-I-lied-when-filling-it-out" and then holding my breath waiting for her response!)

When I compare now-me to the me of three years ago, now-me is in a much better place food-wise. But, quite clearly, there are still things that need to be addressed. Like why I felt the need to lie in my food diary. I knew it wouldn't have achieved anything. The whole point of doing it was to see what doses I used on my pump for different foods (extended, multiwave and standard). It wasn't even to specifically look at the food I was eating, yet I still felt the need to make my food choices "look better". 

Food, guilt and diabetes: a mind-field of emotions that, recently, have been bubbling closer to the surface. But after reading some blogs, and talking with a couple of friends, I've realised that it's time for me to do something about this. I'm not a big fan of being told what to do, and I think that if I were forced to talk about this sooner, it would have been a disaster. Now, however, I feel ready to talk about this. Both with my DSN and here on this blog, and I want to change this perception I seem to have surrounding food, guilt and diabetes.

In short, (she says after a stupid-long ramble) I don't want to fear food diaries anymore! That may be the stupidest (and worst) conclusion to a blog post ever, but it's as simple as that. My relationship with food changed when I was diagnosed with type one at 17. I omitted my insulin when I was 19/20 years old, and I turned to DWED for support. I'm now 22, and although insulin omission isn't something I'm struggling with right now, going back down that road is something I fear. So, as trivial and "not-a-big-deal" as this may seem, I'm doing something about it. Because I don't want this to be the cause of more issues in the future. I want to be chasing a career, hanging out with family and friends, generally living my life. Stressing over food, food diaries and the diabetes/food-related guilt isn't something I want on the agenda. 

Celebrating.

Last Friday evening, I went to the LCS Ball, an event for all the final year students on my course. I'd been looking forward to this since I bought my ticket for the event back in February. I bought a new dress and even wore heels on the night. (For those of you reading this that know me, I seldom wear heels. I'm all about the comfy flat shoes.) 

Now, this event included a three-course dinner. Awesome. I ordered my food at the same time as I bought my ticket. Tomato and pepper soup to start followed by a spinach and goat's cheese tart with new potatoes and salad and the cheesecake for pudding. 

First off, I needed to work out how to bolus for this: do I bolus after each course? Take a starting bolus and then take the remainder after the meal? Where do I bolus? My left arm is still a no-go site because of my BCG, so I have my right arm and both legs. Then there's my levemir that I need to take at 9.30pm as well.

Then there was the actual debacle of carb counting the dinner to take the correct dose of insulin. I'm comfortable carb counting when I have my kitchen scales or nutritional labels to read from. I often use my carbs and cals app when I'm out, providing there is wifi. But working from nothing? I'm incredibly uncomfortable with that. (Something I've now realised I need to work on.) 

So, I decided on taking a starting bolus of 10 units with my soup, theory being that the soup would be realatively low carb anyway, providing I passed on the bread. I then proceeded to photograph each course and send it to my housemate via whatsapp. She very kindly agreed to look through my carbs and cals book to provide me with carbohydrate guesses for my meal. This isn't something I would usually ask, but given that this event was the last with my coursemates (apart from graduation), I really didn't want to stressing about how much insulin I needed. 

And I'm glad I did, as my post-meal blood sugar clocked in at 7.4mmol! Shep, I owe you big time! 

I obviously kept a close eye on my blood sugar throughout the night, as I was drinking, but knowing it didn't look like I was going to be battling a post-meal high blood sugar meant I could enjoy the rest of my night.

And that's exactly what I did.     

Food, Guilt And Diabetes.

There's a lot of guilt that comes with diabetes. For me personally, a lot of that guilt revolves around my food choices. 

I feel guilty when I have a baguette for lunch, as I know that I really struggle to bolus for bread. 

I feel guilty when I indulge, even though I know it's not a regular occurrence.

I have a complex when I carb count my dinner and the total comes out at 90 grams - I feel like I should not be putting 90 grams of carb into my body in one go. 

Likewise, 90 grams of carb for me equates to 13 units of NovoRapid, and I also have a complex when it comes to injecting more than 10 units in one hit - I tend to split the dose. 

Image taken from Google Images.

And I hate it when other people call me out on my food choices, as, even though it's my diabetes, and I know what I'm doing, I still feel a level of guilt, as if they're right and I should know better.

It's a difficult balancing act, one I struggle with. I've written previously about my issues with food. It's part of the reason this blog was started.

This week is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week (NEDAW). Although this post isn't specifically about an eating disorder, it is about a disordered attitude toward food.

When I was diagnosed with diabetes, everything became about food: good foods, bad foods, carb-free (read: fun free) foods, knowing how different foods affect blood sugars, knowing how to count carbs, having to eat food when hypo. Food was at the forefront of everything for me, and, god forbid I saw food for what it was: food. 

This has lessened over the last year or so, and my attitude toward food is much healthier. It's not perfect, and I have my moments, but on the whole, it's positive. I eat healthily, but allow myself the treats, and know how different foods affect my blood sugars.

Food, guilt and diabetes. It's a delicate balancing act. 

[As mentioned, this week is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week (NEDAW). You can find out more by visiting B-eat's website and the Diabetics With Eating Disorders website (DWED)].  

    

Diary Of Food.

After my pump assessment appointment last week, another appointment was made for me to see a dietitian. 

This went down like a lead balloon. 

Of all the appointments I have for my diabetes, seeing a dietitian is probably the one I hate the most. I knew that the main reason for it in this circumstance was to make sure my carb counting skills were up to scratch. Nonetheless, not happy. 

"Vicki, do you mind filling out this food diary over the next few days so we can have a look at it when you come in on Friday?"

That paper book titled "Carbohydrate Counting Food Diary" is why I hate seeing the dietitians. 

I really, really don't like logging the food I eat. 

It's not that I eat badly or anything. Actually, given I'm a student and on a budget, I feel I eat pretty well. I love my fruit and vegetables, takeaways are a real treat, I always take my own lunch onto campus with me. Don't get me wrong, I also like the occasional cake with my coffee at Starbucks, or snack food when my housemate and I are watching the latest episode of Bones. I just know that in that moment, it's a treat, it's not an everyday occurrence, and if my blood sugar is on the high side after eating it, I'll deal with it. 

When it's written down, however, my mindset is different. I know it was a treat and I know it's not a regular thing, but when I then see it written down on paper, I feel guilty. Like I should have known better and realised that it would have an adverse affect on my blood sugar.

Consciously logging food. Not good for me. It brings past food-related issues back to the surface.

Food issues are complex enough as it is. Add diabetes to that and you've got an even more complex situation on your hands. It's something I've put a lot of effort into getting under control. I don't expect to ever be rid of them, but I'm at a point where my relationship with food is healthy.

I guess I was just reminded of how easy it is to go back down that road, something I don't want to do. The days/weeks/months/years spent controlling them, and the smallest trigger could cause a big setback.

All this from a paper booklet.

Damn you, Diary of Food!    

Cook & Count Carbs App.

Disclosure first: I was asked to give this app a try by it's creator, Deborah Wilder, and provide feedback. In doing so, I was not charged for downloading the app. I was not asked to write a review here, but I am because I love it! As always, all thoughts are my own.

I was really excited when I was asked if I wanted to provide some feedback about this app. I love cooking, but I tend to always play things safe, stick with things I know how to bolus for, and use pre-made sauces and such so I can just read the carbohydrate values of the nutritional labels. However, with this app, I was granted to much more freedom when it came to food choices and cooking. 

So, with various friends acting as my test subjects for a new 
dishes, I got going.

The app is incredibly easy to use. You can build a recipe, view the recipes already on the app or go to the information screen. To start building a recipe, you tap "add". The list of ingredients installed on the app is vast, but there is the option to add a custom ingredient if what you're searching for isn't there. 

You need to weigh how much of the ingredient you are using in the recipe, and have the option to choose between grams and ounces as your unit of measurement. Continue doing this until all your ingredients have been saved to the recipe. The app then calculates the total carbohydrate value for the meal, and you input how many servings the recipe is for. Then, as well as the total value, you also get the carbohydrate value per portion. Simple.

 

As aforementioned, the app also comes with a few recipes already, which I haven't tried yet, but I'm sure I will in the future. There's also an information tab where you can find loads of useful things, from information about carbohydrate counting and why it's important to measurement conversions.  Also under this tab, you can change whether you want your measurements in grams or ounces. 

 

So, app pros: First, I've been a lot more open to trying new recipes as I now have a way to properly carb count the meals. The interface is great, and it really is easy to use (honest, it is - I'm awful when it comes to technology/apps, but this is so simple). Not that I've needed to use it yet, but I'm very grateful for the option to add a custom ingredient. You never know, maybe one of thee days I'll whip up something so obscure that I'll need to use this function.  [Edit 30/01/14: I found a need for the custom ingredient function: Quorn mince!]

My one "issue" with the app is the fact that everything has to be weighed. Don't get me wrong, I understand that weight of food items is essential for carbohydrate counting, but for some things, especially vegetables, I'd much prefer it to just input "1 carrot" as opposed to actually having to weigh out the portion. But that's just me wanting to cut corners where possible, and vegetables are generally very low carb. 

But all in all, a great app, one that has got me back into cooking and trying new recipes, something I haven't done for a long time now, choosing to opt for foods I "know". Well worth the purchase, in my opinion. 

At present, the app is currently available from the App Store at £3.99, but will be available for Android early this year, according to the website. To find out more, please visit http://www.healthapps.uk.com/index.html  

That Friendly Waitress.

Last Friday, I went out to lunch with my sister, E.Hales and my housemate, Shep - it was our belated Christmas meal. It was really nice to spend time with the three of them together. My sister and I are a lot closer now compared to a few years back and E.Hales and Shep are two of my best friends, so it's really great for me that they both get on as well (E.Hales I know from school and I met Shep at uni).

We were chatting away, like we do when the waitress brought us our meals. Mine and my sister's came out first. I looked at my plate (grilled Mediterranean vegetable linguine if you were wondering), guessed at the carbs and took my insulin. During this process, the waitress had come back with the other two meals. 

"I'll let you do that first," she said, "My daughter gets annoyed when I 'crowd her space' when she does her injections."

"Thanks," I replied having done the injection.

"She's type one too. Ten years now. But she's struggling at the moment. Fed up with it. Just doesn't want to do it anymore. That's normal, right?"

She had 'concerned parent' written all over her face. 

"Yes," I responded quickly, wanting to put her mind at rest, "So normal! It's called 'burnout' and it sucks big time!"

And then I saw relief fill her face. What her daughter's going through isn't unheard of. 

"Thank you," she said, and she left us to our meals.

Image take from Google Images.

Later, she came to clear our plates from dessert. I'd had profiteroles. 

"Was everything okay for you ladies?"

"Lovely, thank you!"

"And did you take some extra insulin with yours?" she asked me.

"Crap, no! Thank you!" I replied as the others laughed.

"It's the Mum in me...I had to make sure."

It's safe to say she got a good tip from us.  

Carrot Cake.

Last Friday at Brownies, we put on a Christmas Carol Concert to all the parents. One of my friends who I volunteer with had her fiancé make a carrot cake for us to sell, and it's amazing! 

So, having finished serving teas and coffees, I went to get some cake for us leaders to share before the second half of our Carol Concert started. 

There was one bit of carrot cake left. Never have I moved so fast for cake.

One square, four leaders, we didn't care! We were just happy we'd managed to get a mouthful each. 

Today, I met said friend for "Tuesday Tea" and she bought me a slice of carrot cake! A whole slice of carrot cake!

I ate it at lunch, along with a spinach and ricotta slice as it's been a while since I had breakfast.

Pre-meal: 11.7 (not a great start!)

10 units of novorapid for pastry and cake, plus correction.

3 hours post-meal: 10.5 (looking good!)

On leaving campus to go home: 6.5.

Winning! 

Now I've celebrated and documented this victory, I'm now actually going to leave campus and go home!

SalAIA.

Baked goods.

Yesterday, I went to a health food convention-type-thing (I'm not really sure what to call it!) in Madrid called SalAIA or Salón de productos y servicios para Alergias e Intolerancias Alimentarias - in English, Products and Services for People with Food Allergies and Intolerances. Now, I knew this wouldn't necessarily cover diabetes, but it was free to go and went with a friend who is coeliac, so I got to hang out with her.

I wasn't sure what to expect, but I actually really enjoyed it. For a start, there were free food samples, and who doesn't love free food samples?! We casually walked round, talking to people at their stalls (N.B. talking dietary requirements in Spanish is incredibly difficult!), finding out what products they had to offer. Of course, being more about food allergies, I was asked several times what it was I was allergic/intolerant to, and diabetes is neither of those. I responded saying I had type one diabetes, and not an actual allergy and it was so refreshing to hear the following response:

"Everything in moderation then, just make sure you cover those treats with insulin."

My face must have been a picture! I'm so used to the whole "that means you can't eat sugar" kind of response that I didn't quite know what to do with the response I actually got! I'm not gonna complain though, as those responses are rare! There was the odd stall with sugar-free products, but, I translate and quote, "now, we encourage everything in moderation: there's no need to cut sugar out completely, and artificial sweeteners aren't always good." At this particular event, their diabetes-related comments brought a smile to my face: I was in an environment where people "got it" and I loved it! Go SalAIA!

Spain are so on the ball when it comes to coeliacs disease! There are entire shops dedicated to gluten free products, restaurants have specific gluten-free menus, and you can even get gluten free burgers in McDonalds! The amount of products available to people living with coeliacs disease is so incredibly vast, unlike back home where options are very limited. It's no wonder my friend's planning on filling her suitcase up with gluten free goodies when she returns to the UK!    

Tapas.

Tapas in Alcalá.

I don't understand how Spanish people with diabetes do it! Bolusing for tapas is such a challenge! Where I am in Alcalá, tapas is very much the norm. It's not like in the capital where you'll find restaurants, it's primarily tapas bars here. Not only is it promarily tapas bars, but even if you don't want a tapa, it comes free with whatever drink you order. Like I'm gonna turn down what is essentially free food! But this does leave me with two significant diabetes-dilemas!

1. Given that Carbs and Cals and other similar books I've got are generally focused upon "normal meals" (spaghetti bolognaise, lasagne, roast dinners, stir fry etc) I have no idea where to even start with working out the carbohydrate content of tapas!
2. If I'm going out for the night, and I'm going to be getting a tapa with every drink, what do I do? Do I take an estimated dose and then correct at the end? Do I bolus for each tapa separately (really not ideal!), do I just correct at the end of the night knowing that I'm going to be drinking?

Really, it would be easier if I just avoided tapas, and had them as like one-off "treats". But that's easier said than done. I finish class, and it's the norm to go and get a drink and a tapa. I don't want to be going back to my flat to eat a proper lunch! But at the same time, I don't want to be dealing with the crappy sugar levels all the time! 

This week, I have decided that I am going to try and avoid tapas. I need to get back on track with my diabetes and build up my confidence with it all once more, and tapas aren't going to help me. That, and next week I have family coming to visit, and they're going to want tapas, so I need a "good" week before they arrive.

However, I am determined to be a tapas-bolusing-master by the time I leave Spain! Practice makes perfect, right?!

DWED.

The unseen eating disorder.

Seeing as today marks the end of National Eating Disorders Awareness Week 2013, I figured I'd write about something very close to my heart: DWED, more formally known as Diabetics With Eating Disorders. 

Most people have heard of anorexia and bulimia and, what I believe is referred to as EDNOS (Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified - N.B. I am not a medical professional, full disclaimer here!) But what about diabulimia? The unseen eating disorder. Someone suffering from diabulimia will deliberately give themselves less insulin, or not take any at all, in order to loose weight. This weight loss occurs because when glucose levels in the body are to high and there is a lack of insulin to help convert the glucose into glycogen, the glucose is then lost through your urine, meaning the calories are lost too. Your body's response to this is to start to burn fat stores and muscles for energy, and then produces a by-product know as ketones. Ketones are highly acidic and are very dangerous. People with diabetes can end up in diabetic ketoacidosis (DKA) and this can be fatal if left untreated. 

Insulin omission is something I personally have been through. Twice now, actually (not my proudest moments, but they happened nonetheless). Not only that, but I have friends who have been through it and some who are still going through it. For me, it never started out as a weight-related issue, but more like a diabetes burnout, and along side that came the weight loss. It wasn't until people started complimenting me on the weight loss that it then escalated. But whatever the cause, the consequences are the same.

At the moment,  DWED are campaigning hard to get diabulimia more widely recognised here in the UK. You can find out more about the charity and see what they've been getting up to by visiting their website here.  It's a great charity where all the volunteers are committed to what they do, and maybe, at some point in the future, I will have the chance to join that team of volunteers.

(All information regarding DWED on this page has been adapted from the DWED website.)

Take II.

Vicki's Notebook take two. Why? Because I feel like I need a fresh start. 

Alcalá de Henares.

I'm halfway through my year abroad and have got myself into the worst situation. the following demons have come back to haunt me:

Insulin omission.

Binge eating.

Not eating at all. 

Not a great combination when you're diabetic. But there you have it. 

Not only have these demons come back to haunt me, but, like I've said, I'm also on my year abroad, which is why it's more important than ever that I get these under control. Because I don't want to remember my year abroad as the year the issues came back. I am happy, however, for it to be known as the year the issues came back and I got them under control properly! Even if there are setbacks along the way, which there will be.   

My best friend has just left Madrid having come to visit me this weekend. We talked things through and I did a massive cry, something I definitely needed, and here we are. A good friend once told me that I need to have a "conversation with myself" in order to clear my head, and she is right (she's always right - I hate that!) So here I am. Starting afresh. And in order to do that, I need to let go of some stuff.

Over the last two to three years, I've actually been holding onto a lot of anger when it comes to my diabetes. Well, that needs to stop now. This is something I am going to have for the rest of my life, and if I don't let go of the anger I have towards it, I am going to end up falling into the same routine time and time again, and I don't want that. I need to focus on long-term goals in order to stay on top of this as much as possible.  I'm not saying my aim here is to be perfect 24/7, because it's not, and I know that that is pretty impossible. But I need to stop falling back into this whole not taking my injections routine. It's not healthy and boy do I feel crap for it! 

But, first of all, I need to vent. And I don't know if writing here is the way to do it, but it's a start and it allows me to organise my thoughts. 

Diabetes is a bitch. It's something that I am reminded of 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I hate it. I can do everything right, and still it throws me hypos or hypers to keep me on my toes. Being female also means that time of the month throws me more curveballs. My injection sites get sore, my fingertips bruised from sugar testing and the flipping test strips get everywhere (I swear they grow legs and move about my room!) 

And that's just the physical side of it. That's actually the part I can probably handle the best. My biggest issue is the psychological side of it. Diabetes has this huge control over my emotions, and it shouldn't. Well, I shouldn't let it. But it does. Those numbers that I see of my testing kit have the power to make me cry one day to then doing a happy dance the next. It's ridiculous, but they do. That's the first thing that needs to stop. Bad days that reduce me to tears are allowed, but that daily influence those readings have over me...that's got to stop. 

As for food...well...given that I have to watch what I eat and count carbs and everything else, it's no wonder my issues with food came about. But they too need to go do one! Because being a type 1 diabetic and having issues with food really isn't the best combination!

As you can see, there's a lot of hate there. But here's the killer. I have hatred for something that has actually brought a lot of good to my life. The fucker of a health problem has actually allowed me to enter into this whole other world where I have had the priviledge of meeting so many lovely people, some of whom have become very close friends over the last three years. What am I meant to do with that?!?! Where does that leave me, other than feeling very confused about how I should feel about it. No diabetes would mean no Lizzie. No Daisy. No Alice. No Circle D. No SDUK. You see, confusing! 

But either way, I need to let it all go and get things back on track so I can start fuctioning like a normal human being once again. Because I can't go on like this. I feel awful. I look awful. It just needs to stop. I want my life back. I want to be in control again. I want to feel happier more often.

Right now, I feel very lost. It's almost like I've forgotten what to do and I feel like I need to go back to basics with everything in order to get it back. I know that it's bad that I'm not taking my injections. I know what the potential consequences are. And I know I need to get back on track. Writing this has helped (knew I referred to this as my diabetes therapy for a reason!) At the same time as writing this, I re-read some posts from my first blog from when I went through this before. It reminded me that I got through this before and I can do it again. I just need to remember that it's not gonna be a quick and easy process. I need to put the work in and I'm not gonna see results straight away. But a weekend with my best friend, chats with my friends Stateside, pouring my heart out to my DSN via email and writing this has left me in a clearer headspace and I actually feel like I am able to sort this out. I haven't worked out how I'm going to tackle this yet, but my head feels clearer, and I believe now I'm in the right headspace to sort this out. I'll figure out logistics later!