Fears.

It was just as I was leaving work that I decided to check my blood sugar. Multi-tasking, as I do, I put a test strip in my meter, locked my desk drawer, pricked my finger and put blood on the test strip, put my coat on, picked up my bag, then "beep, beep". 

The double beep. The one that means my blood sugar is either high or low. I look at my meter and my heart rate sped up.

23.7mmol/l.

High. Very high. But I didn't feel like my blood sugar should be that high. 

I checked again, washing my hands first and using a different finger. 

23.4mmol/l. 

Definitely high.

I sat back down in my chair, remembering the last time I hit that kind of number. (Well, I remember what I've been told about the last time I hit that kind of number). And, for the first time in a while, my mind opened that box that I keep tightly locked and fear took over. 

Diabetes is a scary disease. Not all the time, but there are moments when I am reminded just how quickly things can go from "fine" to not. I try not dwell on it too much, as I think if I did that fear would consume me and dictate my every move in this thing we call life. And, in my opinion, that's no way to live. So that "fear of diabetes" box is kept firmly locked...until moments like today happen. Then I struggle to trust my instincts and it takes me a while to close that box again.

That's where I'm at this evening.