Thursday, 30 May 2013

Guilt And Accountability.

Yesterday evening, my blood sugars were all over the place. I went from a 19.1mmol/l to a 3.7mmol/l in the space of about two and a half hours. That's not a lot of fun, let me tell you! When I got that 19.1mmol/l reading, I went back over everything I had for lunch that day: blood glucose before lunch, carb intake, insulin dose, what I did after lunch. I must have done something wrong to warrant that high blood sugar. But I couldn't find anything. I ate crackers, yoghurt and an apple, something I can bolus for in my sleep. So where did that 19.1 come from?

I corrected this 19.1 with my dinner, which consisted of omelette and salad - after seeing that 19.1, carbs were out of the question! Now, I must have massively miscalculated the correction to drop to 3.7 that quickly! And it was a horrible hypo at that. I mean, no hypos are fun, but this was one of those ones that left me destroying the kitchen cupboards, shaky, crying, the works!

There's a lot of guilt that comes with diabetes. When that high or low number flashes on my glucose meter, on top of correcting the high or low, I'm thinking "What did I eat to get that number?" "Did I bolus correctly?" "Have I done anything this afternoon that I didn't plan for (e.g. go for a walk/do nothing at all)?" "What did I do wrong?"

But this shouldn't be the case. Because, sometimes, you can do everything right and still get thrown a curveball. I've checked back over my sugar readings to see what might have caused the 19.1 and I'm coming up with nothing. That 3.7, however, that was me over-correcting. Yet for both, I feel a level of guilt. I guess the only good thing about that feeling is that it also makes me feel accountable, and, for me, feeling accountable is what pushes me on; if I can see where I've done something wrong, I take steps to not make that mistake again. 

I know that perfect doesn't exist when it comes to diabetes. Well, I don't think it does, anyway (although, when I have one of those rare days where I'm between 5 and 6mmol/l all day, I do like to think my pancreas has had a jump-start!) But, as much as I hate that feeling of guilt, it does bring that sense of accountability, and that helps me to stay motivated. Accountability is an empowering thing for me.

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